Success! This Woman's Pandemic Beanstalk Got So Tall That She Was Able to Rob the One Percent


Image Credit: Kinsey Clarke. Yes, I know that it's a basil plant.

After months of quarantine gardening, 27-year-old Brooklyn resident Audrey Brick's beanstalk is finally bearing the fruits of her labour: theft from the one percent!


At press time, Brick could be seen descending from her magic beanstalk somewhere on the city's Upper East Side with a massive bag of fancy and expensive rich people things.


"When I got some mysterious seeds in the mail from China about a month ago, I never thought a beanstalk would grow -- let alone grant me access to the unearned wealth of the one percent," Brick told the press. "But since it has, I'm going use it to rob these suckers dry."


"I figured that growing this beanstalk would teach me patience and growth, but instead it's taught me that I really need to work on my upper body strength if I'm going to be climbing out of high rise apartments of the rich and famous with all their loot," Brick continued, before hopping on her bike and riding away.


When reached for comment in their homes in the sky, NYC's affluent percent issued a short, scathing memo against Brick saying, "Fee-fi-fo-fum."


Undeterred, Brick said she'll continue her plant-based pilferage while also donating clippings of the magic beanstalk to underserved communities in the city for communal use.


"It's doing wonders for my #PlantMom brand. Instagram has to verify me as a plant influencer after this."


Yes Audrey Brick! Eat the rich and redistribute wealth to the masses!